


The Insatiable Hum

by Sasa_Q



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Addiction, Garak has depression, Garashir - Freeform, M/M, established Garashir, sad!Garak, you may have to stretch your imagination slightly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:42:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23441122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sasa_Q/pseuds/Sasa_Q
Summary: Garak's implant turns on mysteriouslyORThe Wire, Part 2
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Comments: 7
Kudos: 63





	The Insatiable Hum

It had been a month since Garak and Dr. Julian Bashir had moved into shared quarters. It had been a big step in their relationship when they had first done it, but now living together was as natural as, well, living. Things weren't so bad. Every morning, they went off to work, sometimes catching each other before they left for a quick embrace, and every evening, they returned from work.

Garak usually returned first, his shop closing at a specified time. Of course, Julian was supposed to be done with work at a specific time, too, but he was always late coming home, some little thing having caught his attention, someone who had gotten hurt, perhaps, and needed his care. They would eat dinner together, sometimes in their quarters for privacy, sometimes in the replimat. They would talk about their days, talk about books they had been reading, talk about anything. Then, they would go to bed, and start the process over again.

It was another usual day when Julian returned to their quarters for dinner. Garak had already replicated a meal, and had set their little table.

"Welcome home!" he said as Julian stepped through the door. "I replicated dinner."

"Aren't you cheerful?" said Julian. "Something happened?"

"No, no, I've had a frightfully normal day," said Garak, sitting down at the table. "And you? Late, as usual."

"Chief O'Brien had another kayaking accident," said Julian, sitting down at the table. "Dislocated his shoulder and bumped a few ribs. He complained the whole time I was healing him. I suppose that's to be expected." He looked up. Garak was staring blankly off into the distance. "Garak, you haven't heard a word I said, have you?"

"I apologize, my mind is... elsewhere," said Garak with a tight smile.

But Julian wouldn't let up. "What's on your mind, Garak?" he asked. "You know you can talk to me about it. Or is it something about...?" They both knew what he was too afraid to bring up- two words- "Your past".

"Oh, it's nothing," Garak said. "Just a long day at work. I had a customer come in, one of your people from Starfleet, looking for a dress to be made for a special occasion on Bajor. She was awfully rude. She snapped at me the whole time I was measuring her, telling me to hurry up."

"And you told her?" Julian asked, taking a bite of food.

"I told her these things take time, of course," said Garak. "And then..." He trailed off.

"And then what?" asked Julian.

"I forgot what I was going to say," Garak admitted. "Oh, well, I'm sure it was nothing important."

"There's something off about you tonight," Julian declared. "Did something happen at work? You're acting very... odd."

"I assure you, everything is fine," said Garak.

"You haven't been drinking?" asked Julian. "Because I thought we agreed-"

"No, I haven't been drinking," said Garak. "I know we agreed I would only drink while being supervised, after that last... incident." Not long ago, Julian had left the station briefly, and returned to find Garak a complete drunken wreck. The two had had a serious talking-to about the whole thing and decided that Garak would only drink if Julian was there with him to make sure he didn't take it too far.

"No, I suppose you're not acting drunk exactly," mused Julian. "More... drugged. But you haven't taken anything, have you, Garak? I know you used to have a problem with..."

"I haven't been taking drugs, doctor!" said Garak defensively. "I wish you would stop interrogating me."

Julian sighed. "Fine," he said. "I just wish you would talk to me. That way I wouldn't worry so much about you."

"Oh, you don't need to worry about me," said Garak. "I'm fine. I'm more than fine- I feel excellent."

XXXXX

That night, they lay in bed together, Julian asleep, Garak wide awake, staring up at the ceiling. He couldn't sleep. He felt too good to sleep. It was like there was something pumping through his body, refusing to let him shut his eyes. When he finally was able to sleep, though, he had the oddest dream. He was back on Cardassia, but everywhere he looked, instead of Cardassians, there were dozens and dozens, no, hundreds, of Julian Bashirs, all of them asking him if he was okay. He kept telling all the Julians that he was fine, but they would never take no for an answer.

He woke up early the next morning, Julian still asleep beside him. Julian looked so vulnerable in sleep, his face calm and serene, his body relaxed. Garak looked down at him, a smile on his face. He reached out and brushed hair out of Julian's face. His skin was soft and warm. It comforted Garak. He smiled down at Julian. Then, he dressed and left early for work.

All day at work, he felt positively excellent. He hummed as he worked. Occasionally, he just was so blissed-out that he forgot entirely what he was supposed to be doing, which was fine when he was alone in the shop, but not so excusable when customers were in.

One of his regular customers, a short Bajoran man who was a pain to measure, evidently noticed something was wrong. "Mr. Garak, you're acting quite strange," he said. "Is there something wrong?"

"No, no, nothing is wrong, nothing at all," said Garak cheerfully.

"It's just... you aren't normally so cheerful," said the man, looking hesitant.

"Does everyone want me to be miserable all the time?" Garak said. "Is it such a crime that I'm happy?"

But just then, his knees buckled, and he collapsed to the floor. It was quite humiliating, really. He lay there for a second, dazed, and tried to get up. He managed to get half-way stood up before his knees grew weak again, and he ended up back on the floor.

"I'm getting help," said the Bajoran man.

"No, don't!" said Garak, but it was too late. What seemed like seconds later, who else but Odo had arrived in the shop, looking cross.

"I've already sent for Dr. Bashir," he said. "What seems to be the matter, Mr. Garak?"

"Don't send for Dr. Bashir," said Garak desperately. "I'm fine! Just... I can't quite stand properly. Why are you here, anyway?"

"Dr. Bashir was worried you might make a run for it once you discovered he had been sent for," said Odo dryly. "I'm supposed to supervise you."

Garak scowled. "Excellent," he said. "Well, constable, I do hope I'm not taking up too much of your time. Or Dr. Bashir's time, for that matter. Goodness knows he's got better things to do than tend over me."

"You'd think you'd be happier to see him," said Odo.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" said Garak indignantly.

"Just an observation," said Odo gruffly. "You both changed quarters on the same day."

"How do you... oh, of course, you're chief of security. You know everything," said Garak.

Just then, Julian entered the shop. Odo left with a "hrmph". "Garak, what on earth happened?" he said. "I told you that you looked off last night! I should have brought you to the infirmary then."

"Is that what you're going to do now?" said Garak. "Take me to the infirmary?"

"I'm going to have to," said Julian, "if you don't tell me what happened."

"I was talking to a customer, and my knees buckled," said Garak, feeling a bit foolish. "And I tried to stand, but I couldn't."

"How do you feel?" asked Julian. He crouched beside Garak and began to run an instrument over him.

"I feel excellent, actually," said Garak. "Sublime. So, then, there's no need for me to go to the infirmary. It's settled."

"Not exactly," said Julian, standing up again. "My scanner doesn't show anything wrong with you except a higher-than-normal body temperature for a Cardassian, but I'm not convinced that nothing's wrong. You're going with me to the infirmary." He reached out a hand to Garak. "Here, I'll help you stand."

Garak didn't take it. "I don't want to go to the infirmary," he said stubbornly. "I haven't gone since..."

"Since that business with your implant," finished Julian. "Come on, Garak, please. Humor me."

Reluctantly, Garak took his hand and stood. His knees felt a little wobbly, but he could stand and walk now. The two of them walked in silence to the infirmary.

"I won't make you take off your clothes and get into a gown," said Julian.

"Oh, perfect, how gracious of you," said Garak.

Julian ignored the sarcasm. "Sit down on this chair." He patted the arm of a doctor's chair, and Garak reluctantly sat down. Julian connected him to a few devices. Garak sat there on the chair. He still felt great. He drummed his feet a bit on the end of the chair as he waited for Julian.

"All right," he said. "Let's see... symptoms. You seemed easily distracted last night. You collapsed today. Yet you say you feel excellent." He laughed. "Maybe that's the problem! You feel too good!"

"That's not exactly a diagnosis, doctor," said Garak. "Just tell me what's wrong with me so I can get out of here and get back to work."

"I wish I could," said Julian. "But nothing seems to be wrong with you."

"Then let me go!" said Garak. "If it seems like nothing's wrong with me, maybe nothing is."

"The last time you were in here, it was because of your implant," mused Julian. "Maybe that's what's wrong now."

"But last time it caused me pain," Garak said. "I feel fine now."

"The device's original purpose was to cause pleasure," said Julian. "And after your extensive use and dependence on it, it caused pain. But you've had surgeries since then. Maybe..."

"It can't be the implant," said Garak.

Julian paused for a moment. "I want to try something," he said. He took a piece of cloth out of a drawer and folded it over once so it formed a long rectangle. "I'm going to blindfold you, and you're going to tell me what you're experiencing."

"Don't try anything, doctor," warned Garak with a smile.

"I wouldn't dream of it," said Julian, putting the blindfold around Garak's head. "How many fingers am I holding up?" Garak was completely blind. All he saw was blackness.

"I couldn't tell you," Garak said.

"Perfect," said Julian. "All right." He tapped Garak on the arm. "Tell me what you're experiencing."

"You've just tapped me on the arm," said Garak. "Really doctor, this is pointless."

"We'll see," said Julian. "If it ends up being pointless, I'll... oh, let's say I'll read another one of your Cardassian novels. And not complain about it."

"That would be nice," said Garak agreeably.

After a second, Julian did something to his knee. He wasn't sure what he did, only that it felt amazing.

"What did I just do to you?" prompted Julian.

"You've just did something to my knee. It feels excellent," said Garak.

Apparently that was the wrong thing to say. Julian ripped off his blindfold. "Garak, I just hit you hard in the knee with this." He held up a metal mallet. "You should be expecting a bruise, not feeling excellent. Instead of pain, you feel pleasure. Your implant's working, it's got to be."

"So that accounts for my symptoms?" said Garak.

"Have you ever been so happy you couldn't think straight?" asked Julian. "So happy you feel feverish? So happy you can hardly even walk?"

"Only when my implant was turned on," Garak admitted. "But it can't be. No one's turned it on."

"Hm," said Julian. "I suppose you're right. But I'll check anyway. I've been storing the device controlling your implant here in my desk. I'll check if it's turned on somehow."

"I really don't think you need to do that," said Garak, but it was too late. Julian had already opened his desk. He rummaged around for a few moments before going still.

"It's gone!" he said, shocked. "Just... gone!"

"Really?" said Garak, looking equally as shocked. "Then anyone could have it!"

"I can't believe it," said Julian. "Why would anyone want to do that?"

"Perhaps someone turned it on, thinking it would produce the same painful effect as it had when I last used it," Garak suggested. "I needn't remind you that I've procured a few enemies in my past."

"And I assume you won't even tell me their names," said Julian, frustrated.

"Why, you're exactly correct!" said Garak. "So apt of you."

"That does it," said Julian. "Until we find the device, I'm keeping you here in the infirmary."

"You can't do that!" protested Garak.

"I can, and I will. The infirmary is more protected than our quarters, and if anyone wants to hurt you, they'll go to our quarters anyway," said Julian. "It's for the best that you'll be here."

"But I'll be all alone," said Garak. He hated sounding like this- so plaintive. "Isn't that not very good for the health?"

"I'll stay here with you," said Julian.

Garak hated to admit it, but that made him feel a bit better. "Good," he said. He cleared his throat. "In my condition, it would only be unwise for me to be alone. For my health. Of course."

To his surprise, Julian wound one of his hands into one of Garak's hands. Julian's hand was warm and soft on Garak's scaled fingers. "Hey," he said softly, "I'll always be here with you."

"Oh, don't get sentimental," said Garak, but he didn't let go.

XXXXX

He woke up in the middle of the night from another one of his dreams. Again, he was back on Cardassia. For some reason, everyone he met looked at him funny and ran away. Garak kept asking them what was wrong, but no one would stick around long enough to answer. He found himself alone in the world, no one willing to even look at him. When he finally found a mirror, he saw that he was bleeding from the eyes, bloody tears spilling down his face and onto his clothing.

"Doctor?" said Garak softly, but Julian was asleep on a chair beside him.

Garak got off the cot he had been sleeping in and stood. He still felt a bit wobbly. If I made a run for it, I could leave right now, he thought. Get out of the infirmary. Hide before Julian can take me back here. Damn it, he knows I hate it here, why does he want to keep me here so badly?

"Garak?" said a voice behind him. It was Julian. Julian had stood. "Why are you awake?"

"I could ask you the same thing," said Garak.

"Well, I asked first," said Julian.

"Awfully childish of you," said Garak.

"Just tell me why," Julian said.

"I've been having strange dreams," Garak said. "They keep waking me up in the night."

"What about?" asked Julian.

"Cardassia," said Garak shortly.

"And, let me guess, you don't want to tell me any more about them," said Julian a bit bitterly.

"You've guessed correctly," said Garak, smiling. The smile fell from his face when he saw how troubled Julian looked. "Doctor? What's the matter?"

"I wish I could do more for you," said Julian. "I do everything I can, you know, to make you feel comfortable and happy here. But I can't do what you really want. I can't take you to Cardassia. I try to do everything I can to make you happy."

"It's helped," said Garak, not wanting Julian to feel useless. "You- being here, with me. Us living together. It's... helped." He realized it as he said it. It had really helped. Things weren't perfect, of course they weren't. But Julian had helped him adjust to life on Terok Nor- Deep Space Nine.

"I'm glad," said Julian, and he really did sound glad. He stepped over to Garak and took both of his hands, one in each of his own. "But I haven't helped enough."

"Oh?" said Garak.

"No," said Julian. He sighed. "Garak, I know I haven't helped enough because..."

Garak realized he was going to say the horrible words, and he said "No, no, no, don't say it-" but Julian ignored him:

"Because I know it was you who turned on your implant," said Julian.

Garak stared at him horrified. "Whatever brought you to that conclusion?" he said, but it was plain on his face that it was true.

"I've been thinking," said Julian, unlinking their hands, "and I've talked with Odo. Someone broke into the infirmary two nights ago. None of the cameras show anything because they were disabled for a fifteen-minute period. I determined that was when the device controlling your implant was stolen. And I thought to myself, who would do such a thing?"

"And you thought I would," said Garak.

"Precisely," said Julian. "And I remembered that, when I went to go check for the device in my desk, you told me- do you remember what you said?"

"'I really don't think you need to do that'," said Garak dully.

"Yes," Julian said. "Garak, I know you have the device. I just don't know where." He paused. Garak said nothing. "Garak, I want you to give that device to me to shut off. For good."

"I'm afraid I can't do that, doctor," said Garak.

"Why not?" said Julian.

Garak didn't speak for a minute. He just stood there, feeling very alone. "I need that device," he said eventually. "It's the only way I can feel happy."

"That's not true," said Julian, folding his arms. "You aren't being fair to yourself. I need to turn that device off, Garak. It could cause brain damage like it did last time."

"I don't care," said Garak stubbornly. "I don't care if it hurts me. Right now, it feels excellent."

"You don't need that device to be happy," said Julian desperately. "There are other ways to feel happy, other than that device. I could name a hundred things."

"Think about it, doctor," said Garak. "Step into my shoes, as you Earth people might say. You're an addict of... let's say, one of your Earth drugs. You haven't had a fix in months. Then, suddenly, you realize something. If you break into... let's say, the place where the drug was being produced, you can have unlimited fixes. Unlimited happiness. What do you do? Of course you break into that place. Of course you steal the drugs. What other choice did you have, in the first place?"

"Garak, please," said Julian. With every word Garak said, Julian looked more and more heartbroken. "You've got to find other ways to be happy."

"Alcohol helps," said Garak. "So do drugs. But I take it you don't approve of those things, do you?"

Julian shook his head. "No," he said, "I don't." He sighed. "We've got to work out a solution."

"I've got one!" said Garak, feeling a bit childish. "You mind your own business and let me be happy."

"But it could kill you," said Julian.

"That's just a risk I'll have to take," Garak said.

"I can't mind my own business and you know it," Julian said. "I'm your... I'm..." He floundered. As much as they cared for each other, talking about their relationship could be awkward. "I'm your lover, Garak," he said eventually. "I'm your partner. I can't let you kill yourself like this."

Garak sat down on the cot he had been sleeping on. "It's clear I can't convince you," he said. "So what do we do?"

"I'll just have to convince you," said Julian.

Garak snorted. "Good luck doing that, doctor."

"Garak," said Julian softly, sitting down beside him. "Just talk to me."

"Oh, this should be excellent," said Garak sarcastically.

"Tell me why you turned on the implant," said Julian. His voice was quiet and sincere. Garak looked into his eyes. They were so kind and understanding. Garak knew he didn't deserve that. He looked away.

"I missed how good it felt," said Garak simply.

"Tell me how it felt," said Julian.

"It felt... oh, I don't know how to describe it," said Garak. He spread his arms. "It felt like I had a place in the universe. It felt perfect. It was happiness on another level. It felt as if everything might be okay for once. I didn't need a hypospray or a bottle of kanar, I just needed something that was already in my brain and a simple device to turn it on."

"Have you ever felt happy without that device, Garak?" asked Julian.

Garak furrowed his brow. "I don't know," he said. "I've felt pleasure before, yes, but I don't know if I've ever felt... happy."

"I could help with that, you know," said Julian. "We have anti-depressants here that would work on a Cardassian."

Garak chuckled. "Anti-depressants," he said scornfully. "They might fix my happiness, but they won't fix my situation."

"I'm trying my best to help," said Julian.

"I know," said Garak quietly. "I know."

Garak's hands were in his lap. Julian reached over and grabbed one of them and held it tight. His hands were so warm and good. Something quivered inside Garak. He was worried it might come out.

"I just want you to be happy," said Julian. "I don't like seeing you sad."

"Then you should be glad my implant is on and working properly," said Garak. But he didn't get go of Julian's hand.

"That's not really happiness," said Julian. "That's... artificial. I want to see you happy, really happy. Or, you know, you don't have to be perfectly happy. I just want to see you... I just want to see you doing okay. Just okay is fine. Do you think you can do that?"

That thing inside Garak trembled again. "I don't know," he said. It came out as a whisper.

"Tell me why you want to keep the device on," said Julian. His voice was so kind it nearly broke Garak's heart.

"It feels so good," said Garak, "you can't possibly understand. It's the most beautiful feeling in the universe when the device is on. I wish I could show you. You'd understand if you could feel it. It just... it just feels so good. I... I don't know if I can live without it, now that I've felt it again. It's a part of me now. I'm nothing but an addict- a worthless addict."

"You're better than that, Elim," Julian said. "I know you are."

The thing inside Garak broke him. Suddenly, he started to cry, burying his head in Julian's shoulder, tears dripping from his eyes and rolling down his face. "I don't think I am," he wept. He felt so foolish. He never cried! What was he doing crying here! He couldn't let Julian see him cry! What was he doing? He had to stop! But he couldn't stop. The tears were built up, had been built up for so long, that they could not be held back.

"It's okay," said Julian softly. "Everything's going to be okay." He wrapped an arm around Garak and held him close.

For a few minutes, they didn't speak, as Garak continued to cry into Julian's shoulder. "You know what you have to do," said Julian finally.

"I know," said Garak. It was almost a whimper. "But it's so hard." He lifted up his head.

"Where is the device?" asked Julian.

Garak struggled to speak at first. But finally, he opened his mouth, and the words came rushing out. "There's a false panel behind the headboard of our bed. You'll find the device there."

Julian stood. Garak grabbed his arm. "Julian," he said, "please wait to turn it off until you get back here to the infirmary. I want to see you turn it off."

Julian nodded. "I will, I promise," he said. He made for the door. "Stay here. And don't try anything." He paused, halfway out the door. "You know, I do like it when you call me 'Julian'."

Garak laid down on the cot in the infirmary, his face tilted up at the ceiling. He watched the ceiling until he heard the door open and Julian return. He sat up. Julian stood there, the device in his hands. It really wasn't very large, the thing. It was such a small thing to be so worked up about. At least, that's what he tried to convince himself.

"I'm going to turn it off now," said Julian. Damn it, he sounded so concerned, so concerned and caring. The perfect combination to make Garak feel utterly undeserving of his care.

"Sit beside me," said Garak. "When you do it, I mean. That way you can... be there."

Julian sat beside him. He wrapped an arm around the Cardassian and squeezed him tight. He held him there for a minute, and then finally said, "Garak, I'm going to do it."

"Count to three," said Garak, feeling like a child. "So I'll be ready."

Julian nodded. He positioned his hand.

"One..."

Garak's knuckles were white.

"Two..."

Garak could feel a desperation welling up inside him, something he didn't like. For a moment he had a brief fantasy of striking out and ripping the device from Julian's hands, stopping him turning it off by any means necessary.

"Three."

And Julian did it. In just one quick movement, he switched off the device.

Garak could feel it instantly. It was like being high and suddenly, very suddenly, being completely and utterly sober. He wilted, shrunk into himself, putting his face in his hands. He was afraid he was going to cry again. He didn't think he'd be able to live down the embarrassment if he did.

Julian turned and wrapped both arms around Garak in a tight embrace. "Hey, it's okay," said Julian. "It's going to be okay." His voice was soothing, like a warm blanket on a cold night.

"No, it's not," said Garak. "It's never going to be okay."

"You're more than this, Garak," said Julian. "You're more than your addiction. You're such a strong person."

"No, I'm not," said Garak fiercely. "I'm a weakling. My father would be ashamed of me. I can't stand to look myself in the mirror and..." He burst into tears again, hiding his face in his hands as he cried. "It felt so good," he said, feeling pathetic. "It felt so, so, so good."

"I know," said Julian quietly. "I know it did. But we can get through this, Garak. You and I, together, we can get through this."

"I don't know if I can," said Garak in a whimper.

"Yes, you can," said Julian. "I believe in you, Elim Garak. You're so strong. You can get through this. And I'll be here to help you. You can try, can't you?"

Garak sniffed. Once again, he felt like a small child. "I think I can," he said.

"Good," said Julian. "That's a good start."

XXXXX

At the end of a long day in the lab, Julian returned to he and Garak's shared quarters to see Garak waiting for him, a smile across his face, dinner replicated on the table.

"Garak!" cried out Julian, delighted. "You've been released from the infirmary?"

"It's either that, or I escaped," said Garak pleasantly. "You can choose which one to believe."

They embraced for several minutes, Julian holding Garak close. "Oh, I missed you so much," said Julian.

"You saw me every day in the infirmary," said Garak, amused.

"You know what I mean," said Julian. "I missed being with you... like this." He kissed Garak on the cheek, which made Garak's scales flush bluish.

"Sit down," Garak said. "I replicated dinner."

The two of them sat down to eat. Julian talked idly about his day a work in the lab. Eventually, they were finished with dinner, and it was just them staring at each other from across from table.

"Can I ask you how you feel?" asked Julian tentatively.

"Yes," said Garak.

"And would you answer?" asked Julian.

Garak cracked a smile. "I feel... I feel all right." His face softened. "I've been on the medication you gave me for a week now."

"And is it helping? The anti-depressants?" asked Julian.

"I hate calling them that," said Garak, "but yes. I think it's helping."

He stood to put their dishes away and Julian stood too, catching his arm.

"I'm so proud of you, Elim," he said.

Garak paused. Proud. Very few people had ever said they were proud of him. He relished the word, standing there savoring it.

"Garak?" said Julian softly. "You okay?"

Garak smiled. "I'm fine," he said. "I'm fine."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you would comment, it would make my day, but honestly, I'm just glad you read it.


End file.
